you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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