Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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