i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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