You just made me feel so damn special
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
he laminated a picture of his dick.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
