I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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