tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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