Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
