i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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