If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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