if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
