Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize