if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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