I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
