do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Randomize
