WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
