I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize