DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
