drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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