You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
