my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
