Yo dont text me then not text me
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
