Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
