Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
