You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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