I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
