he laminated a picture of his dick.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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