We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
