I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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