I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize