you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
