Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Randomize
