Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
