i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
