i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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