My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
don't judge my taste in strippers
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Randomize
