God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize