I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
