Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
