Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
