got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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