If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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