I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
