i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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