Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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