thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
