where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
