What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
