i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
