hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
