she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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