i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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