Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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