This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
