when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
