i was born a porn star she said
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
