Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
