The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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