Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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