Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
