yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
